


Cereal, Soup, and (unsexy) Strip Teases

by InsightfulInsomniac



Category: Glee
Genre: Brunch shenanigans, Fluff, Humor, M/M, Strip Tease, elliott’s just here for the food, husbands!klaine, its a spicy one yall, kinda. You’ll see, married!klaine, references to early klaine, santana and Rachel’s usual chaos
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-01
Updated: 2020-07-01
Packaged: 2021-03-04 20:00:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,634
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25012015
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/InsightfulInsomniac/pseuds/InsightfulInsomniac
Summary: Amidst an all-out war over brunch, Kurt and Blaine take different sides in the most pointless of Santana and Rachel arguments. Rachel forces Kurt, who could really care less, to convince Blaine to join their side so they can win the debate. He does so by discreetly offering a strip tease — which works like a charm.But Kurt’s not about to just let Blaine have it — he was on the wrong side of the debate, after all. Why not call upon the last time Blaine definitively told him he was unsexy to try and make this strip tease the least attractive and most infuriating performance possible?Fluff, humor, and a bit of married!klaine spiciness. Also some lovely references to iconic early Klaine moments.
Relationships: Blaine Anderson/Kurt Hummel, Santana Lopez/Brittany S. Pierce
Comments: 23
Kudos: 96





	Cereal, Soup, and (unsexy) Strip Teases

**Author's Note:**

> This idea simply overtook me and I HAD to write it. Shoutout to my sister who provided this incredible idea and practically forced me to write it ASAP. 
> 
> The song referenced in the fic is “Animal” by Neon Trees. The performance referenced is in season 2 episode 15 of Glee, “Sexy.”
> 
> Enjoy! I had a ton of fun with this one, just letting y’all know.

“I’m just saying, cereal is a soup,” Santana declares, leaning back in her chair and downing the rest of her mimosa. 

“Facts,” Brittany agrees, nodding.

“How — how can you say that?” Kurt sputters. “That’s not even remotely correct. They’re two totally different things! Blaine, back me up here.”

Blaine pauses, a forkful of eggs benedict halfway to his mouth. “Um. I kind of agree with Santana.”

Kurt scoffs, tearing his hand away from his husband’s arm and looking absolutely affronted. Santana, however, is delighted with Blaine’s traitorous announcement.

“How does it feel to be so wrong that even your pet husband is on my side?”

“Pet husband?” Blaine murmurs confusedly, but Rachel jumps into the conversation enthusiastically.

“I, for one, agree with Kurt,” she reaches across the table and triumphantly takes Kurt’s hand in hers. “Cereal is fundamentally not a soup. And that’s final.”

“Okay, Berry, your opinions are just so bad that they should only count as half a vote,” Santana bites back. “So according the democracy of this brunch table, a cereal is officially a soup.”

“Wait, wait, what about Elliott?” Rachel interjects. “What’s your opinion?”

She looks to him with so much hope and determination that he can’t help but laugh. “Honestly? I can see both sides.”

“Oh my god, Elliott, now is not the time to play neutral,” Santana retorts, betraying how invested she is in the debate. “Give us a vote.”

“So if a cereal’s a soup, are pop-tarts ravioli?” Britt muses aloud, Santana giving her a supportive nod before turning back to argue with Rachel, Elliott once again stuck in the middle of it all.

Kurt sighs, shaking his head at how yet another initially peaceful brunch devolved into such chaos. He shares an exasperatedly amused look with Blaine, rolling his eyes fondly.

“I know I promised to defend you even when I know you’re wrong, but...” Blaine comments cheekily, and Kurt groans.

“Oh my god, I don’t even care about this stupid conversation,” he replies. “But I’m not the one who’s wrong here anyway.”

Blaine hums, turning his attention back to where Rachel is gesticulating wildly with a fork, a dangerous sight at best.

“Kurt, I swear to god, if you don’t support me in this —“ Rachel turns the fork on him with a maniacal fervor, and he raises his hands in defense.

“I’m with you! I’m with you,” Kurt says hurriedly. “God, Rachel. What more do you want me to do?”

“I don’t know, recruit someone to our side?” She screeches, and out of the corner of his eye, he watches as Santana lounges back once again, a satisfied smirk on her face, and he immediately knows that she’s enjoying pushing Rachel’s buttons way more than the actual pointless competition of it all. “You’re the only one who could make Elliott or Blaine change their minds!”

Kurt raises an eyebrow in Elliott’s direction, and he just gives him a tired laugh. “I just want to eat my French toast.”

Kurt respects that, and they share a look of bemused sympathy. Rachel’s still staring him down, however, so Kurt turns on Blaine, sitting on the other side of him.

Blaine grins as he sets down his glass, noticing his husband’s eyes are now on him. “What?”

“Can I bribe you to be our mercenary?”

Blaine cocks his head. “What?”

“I’m supposed to recruit you to our side. What can I do to make you say that cereal isn’t a soup?”

“Wanky,” Santana drawls, and Kurt shoots an icy glare in her direction.

_But hey, that might not be a bad direction to go in._

Blaine folds his hands on top of the table, straightening his shoulders and looking the epitome of mock-formal. “I cannot be bought, dear.”

Kurt merely raises an eyebrow, shrugging. “Okay.”

Rachel’s jaw drops, and he rolls his eyes. “You try to convince one of them! I don’t know why this is all falling to me.”

As Rachel redoubles her effort to convince Elliott, Kurt slips his phone out of his pocket, careful to keep it under the table where no one can see.

 **Kurt** : if you say that cereal is not a soup I will give you a striptease tonight.

Blaine’s phone dings from inside his pocket, and he takes it out casually. Kurt watches as his husband’s eyes grow wide, coughing when he sucks in a breath way too fast.

All eyes turn to him, but he waves them off as he coughs into his arm, attempting to hide the blush that’s rising to his neck and cheeks. “I’m fine, just sucked something down the wrong pipe.”

When he recovers, he dares a glance at Kurt, who merely sips his own drink smugly.

Blaine clears his throat. “Actually, on second thought, a cereal definitely isn’t a soup. I was — uh — very convinced by your argument, Rachel.”

“That’s it! We win!” Rachel cheers, but Santana narrows her eyes in Blaine’s direction.

“Something’s up here. What did Hummel do to get you to say that?”

“Um, nothing,” Blaine paints on his best faux-innocent expression. “I just... decided I was wrong after all.”

Santana’s assessing gaze darts between the two husbands. “You two are freaky. This is some kinky shit, but I’m not about to try and find out what it is.”

“Not everything has to be sexual, Santana,” Kurt sighs, but she just grins.

“Hm. Case closed.”

Elliott rolls his eyes. “God, we are insane. All of us.”

Brittany shrugs. “What else do you talk about at brunch?”

Kurt’s text alert sounds suddenly, and he picks up his phone again to look at it.

 **Blaine** : please tell me you actually plan to go through with this bc I’m actually dying over here

 **Blaine** : and I know I’m wearing my eating pants, but they’re still tight, Kurt

Kurt texts back his response, refusing to look at Blaine should he break his nonchalant facade.

 **Kurt** : you know I’m a man of my word, B. I promise.

 **Blaine** : ohmygod I don’t think this is helping my situation but yay ok

Kurt reaches over and rests a hand on Blaine’s thigh underneath the table, just for fun. He doesn’t even look at his husband, but he hears the little squeak that escapes his lips at the contact.

He promised his husband a striptease, so a striptease is what he’s going to get.

But Blaine genuinely thinks cereal is a soup. That’s simply inexcusable and totally ridiculous. He may think he’s getting a reward for defecting to Kurt’s side on a bribe, but Kurt has something else up his sleeve.

Who says a striptease has to be sexy?

******

Blaine is very obviously antsy all day. He bounces around Kurt excitedly even at home, giving him quick, albeit heated kisses nearly every time he passes him, looks at him, sits next to him, whatever. It’s excessive, but Kurt doesn’t mind the attention. He never has, not when it comes from Blaine.

Kurt knows he’s being a bit evil. His plan includes making Blaine wait literally all day, not just for the show but also for any contact beyond innocent cuddling and the kisses he keeps bestowing upon him. It’s been getting to Blaine, especially after Kurt gently maneuvered him off of his lap when he dropped into it right after dinner, before Kurt could even stand from the table.

“Round one?” Blaine had murmured into his ear, already rocking his hips slightly. “Please say yes. You don’t even have to take your clothes off. I’ll do all the stripping to maintain the suspense for later.”

Kurt had chuckled, kissed the side of Blaine’s eager mouth, and pushed him off carefully. “No, B. Patience.”

Blaine groaned. “I’m going to take a shower.”

“You’d better not get yourself off in there!”

Blaine huffed angrily, stopping his path to the bathroom and pouting back at Kurt. “Fine. I’m not taking a shower.”

Kurt merely raised an eyebrow and set about clearing the table, Blaine joining him dejectedly.

Needless to say, Kurt knows his husband is anxiously awaiting his “reward.” Little does he know, Kurt has something much more _frustrating_ — and not in a good way — in store for him.

So when he pulls Blaine away from the piano and directs him to sit on the couch, drawing the curtains closed as he scans the living room in a final sweep of anything that could be in his way, he can tell how much he’s buzzing from the inside out.

“I’ll be back in five minutes,” Kurt winks at him, and Blaine nods enthusiastically, sitting on the very edge of the couch in anticipation.

With the bedroom door shut carefully behind him, Kurt pulls out a box from under their bed. Inside, the old Dalton blazer, pants, and tie set are a little creased where they’re folded, but Kurt, for once, doesn’t really care. Grabbing a white button-down from his closet, he begins dressing in the old ensemble, noting how the pants are now much too short in the length, his blazer tight around the shoulders and arms. 

Kurt knows that this isn’t going to be an initial turn off for Blaine. The only reason they keep their Dalton uniforms with them in New York and not in humidity-controlled storage is because of the exciting uses they’ve occasionally found for them in the past. A little roleplay never hurt anyone.

In fact, Kurt’s sure that he could walk out there in pretty much anything, but especially his Dalton uniform, and receive a very positive response from Blaine. One time, Kurt was just coming off of an unusually rough spring cold and hadn’t wanted any type of sexual activity for over a week. Of course Blaine understood, never once complaining or even talking about it.

But by the end of the week and a half of sickness, Kurt was on the upswing, still completely stuffed up and a bit gross, but not as worried about passing his illness onto his husband if he didn’t have it already. He also missed connecting with Blaine in that way _a lot_.

It wasn’t subtle when Kurt had nearly jumped on Blaine the moment he climbed into bed. He had patted Blaine twice on the arm, getting him to look over at his pathetic self.

“I’m kinda disgusting, very snotty, and I still can’t breathe super well,” he began. “But I’m really horny. I get it if you don’t want to because I’m —“

Blaine hadn’t even given him time to doubt himself. He didn’t care about the fact that halfway through they had to switch into a more upright position so Kurt could breathe better. Blaine also didn’t care about the snot that definitely got onto his shoulder when Kurt was keening into it. 

Afterwards, Kurt made an offhanded remark apologizing for how unsexy he was in the moment, and Blaine had looked at him like he was crazy.

“Kurt. It’s you. It’s actually impossible for you to be unsexy to me.”

Well. Kurt’s about to test that theory with the last time he could recall Blaine definitively saying that he was unsexy.

Blaine’s eyes grow wide as Kurt walks in front of him, raking them up and down his uniformed body. “Oh my god,” he murmurs, voice already thick with arousal.

Kurt presses play on his phone, sets it on the TV stand in front of him, and keeps his back turned to Blaine as the song starts in the exact same place it did all those years ago.

_Here we are again I feel the chemicals kickin' in_

It registers instantly with Blaine, especially when Kurt starts out with a shoulder shimmy, still not turning around to face him.

“Oh my god,” he laughs. “What are you doing?”

_It's gettin' heavier, I wanna run and hide, I wanna run and hide_

Kurt spins around, doing his best impression of baby penguin Kurt, the one who thought the brush of a fingertip is as sexy as it gets and the one whose sexy faces looked like gas pains to the very man who sits in front of him now.

He hadn’t necessarily planned to sing along, moreso just dance to the music with these “sexy” facial expressions. But he can’t resist coming in at his part, wagging a finger and wiggling his hips exaggeratedly. 

“I do it every time, you’re killin' me now,” he sings, and gone is Blaine’s look of anticipation, replaced with incredulous laughter that he can’t quell. “And I won't be denied by you, the animal inside of you —“

Blaine cheers as Kurt finally makes good on his word, peeling the Dalton blazer off of his shoulders as he dances along, tossing it somewhere across the apartment as he desperately tries not to break character. It’s getting increasingly more difficult with Blaine’s pure giddiness at watching his husband make an absolute fool of himself for a joke that was supposed to be some sort of a punishment.

Oh well.

“Oh, oh, I want some more. Oh, oh, what are you waitin' for? Take a bite of my heart tonight,” Kurt continues, unbuttoning his shirt as he swivels his hips, scrunching up his face comically.

Blaine wolf whistles as Kurt loses the shirt, choosing the keep the tie hanging loose around his neck. He pulls out an old move, the thriller-esque claws he thought fit perfectly with this number the first time, playing it up as the song continues. “Oh, oh, I want some more. Oh, oh, what are you waitin' for?”

He finally pops the button on the too-small pants, dragging them down with very little ceremony, giving Blaine another one of his painfully unsexy looks from over his shoulder. “What are you waitin' for? Say goodbye to my heart tonight.”

Kurt had blessedly planned to stop there, figuring Blaine either would’ve been so frustrated or so amused that it would put an end to the spectacle. For good measure, he bows, laughing a little himself as Blaine gives him an enthusiastic standing ovation.

“Bravo, bravo,” he remarks, beaming. “An incredible performance. But I have to ask... _why_?”

Kurt shrugs, a small smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. “Cereal is not a soup, Blaine. I couldn’t actually give you a sexy strip tease after that. So I went back to the last time you definitively thought I was unsexy and called upon it for my inspiration.”

“Well, joke’s on you, you’re standing in front of me in nothing but underwear and a tie,” Blaine retorts, blatantly looking him up and down. “And I got to witness that magical number. It’s a win-win scenario.”

“Are you sure that wasn’t a total turn-off?” Kurt teases, crossing to Blaine and pushing him back down onto the couch, finding that he doesn’t really care that his striptease punishment didn’t really have the intended effect. 

“Mm, let me check with my brain,” Blaine pauses for a moment, pretending to think it over. “And my body?” He pauses again. “Nope. Nothing even remotely unsexy enough occurred.”

“Damn,” Kurt curses. “I thought I was going to get to you.”

“I’m a simple man, Kurt. I just need you to get me going.”

“Even with the gas pain faces?”

“ _Especially_ with them.”

Kurt scoffs, swatting at his shoulder as Blaine laughs. “You’re the worst. I can’t believe you actually enjoyed that.”

“Again, what’s not to like? And you’re still in that tie.”

“I can take it off...” Kurt smirks when Blaine frantically grabs his wrists.

“Don’t you dare. You deserve something in return for that performance. And I’m still expecting at least part of my bribe.”

“You’re insufferable.”

“You’re the one who’s been making me wait all day!” Blaine protests, and Kurt laughs, dragging him in for a bruising kiss.

“You’re right. But not about the cereal-soup debate.”

“Oh my god.”

**Author's Note:**

> That friend group? Iconic. That performance, both times? Iconic. Klaine? Iconic.
> 
> I really hope you enjoyed this one, because I had a blast writing it! Thank you so much for your constant support, kudos, and comments! They mean so much to me and seriously uplift my spirits while I’m stuck at home in quarantine just waiting to go back to college. If we can still manage to do that. But that’s besides the point.
> 
> ANYWAY. Thanks again for reading! I love you all!
> 
> Find me on Instagram: @insightful.insomniac
> 
> Find me on tumblr: @zigxzag-klaine


End file.
